some arm news

So, some news: tomorrow I’m having surgery on my right arm – my dominant arm – my drawing arm, my writing arm, my brushing-my-teeth and typing-in-chat and unlocking-my-door arm – and will lose most use of it for years, and an unknown (but hopefully less dire) amount of use of it forever. As you might expect, this sucks so, so bad.

As you can see above, I have been trying to proactively warm up my left hand so I can still write and such once this happens. As you might also detect above, it has not felt great.

(complements on my left-handed writing are not welcome; the feel of it is so alien that even if it looked perfect, i’d be upset)

So while I go in to get that done, I was wondering if you’d be willing to reply or repost or something with a thing you like about my work that isn’t about how it looks? So I can go back to this post when I get real depressed afterwards and remind myself I’m more than my line quality?

And if you are curious, slightly more explanation with anatomical specifics below the cut:

so it turns out I have a peripheral nerve tumour on my radial nerve above my elbow in my right arm – it’s been slowly preventing me from lifting up my index finger (extending it) and more and more the rest of my hand’s extension has been weakening. scans show muscle atrophy in my forearm, so not only is the nerve weakening, it’s been weakening long enough that the muscles are getting noticeably less use.

from what we know, the tumour is benign, but it’s not possible to remove it without removing a chunk of the nerve, and likely fully severing the nerve. and though benign, the tumour has been steadily growing and is likely to continue doing so, where it would eventually effectively sever the nerve all on its own.

so this is a preventative surgery where we take the tumour out before it withers all the radial offshoot nerves farther down my arm, and graft in a spare (well, less important) nerve from my ankle, and hope that the graft takes and the nerve has a chance to heal and then let me rebuild my muscles and recover some hand and wrist extension. How much is not known. Complete recovery is impossible – some nerves in there are already dead and no amount of grafts and occupational therapy can change that, and more will wither while we’re waiting for the graft to heal.

Motor nerves can only heal for so long, so I’ll know more about my expected lifetime function in a few years. Likeliest outcome is followup tendon reassignment surgery to try and fill any dire functional gaps, and then what will presumably be a bit of a mind-fuck of physio trying to teach my brain that one of my flexion muscles will then be responsible for extension of fingers or wrist or something.

What’s confusing about this is, my other arm nerves are all fine.

Ulnar? Doing great.
Those nerves you fuck up with carpal tunnel? that I fucked up in 2008 and have spent a decade and a half taking very careful care of? really solid, healthy nerves! good job past Shel!

So I’m certainly not losing 100% of hand function; I’ll still be able to curl my fingers and thumb and actively bend my wrist down – I just likely won’t be able to reverse all those movements. Hell, already I can tell how much weaker my right hand is at typing – writing this after a day of spreadsheets at work is really wearing it down.

It’s surreal how much all i feel is grief about this. There’s no one to be mad at, not even myself – it just, sucks. Can you hold a funeral for your handwriting? your markmaking language? your line quality? your ability to touch type up to 140 words per minute? your confident, trained, controlled method of self-expression? RIP, radial nerve. I already miss you.

It’s been a 13 month gauntlet of medical appointments since I first saw a neurologist about this and it’s a relief to finally have the surgery, but i do really appreciate all the other scans and tests and biopsies – they gave me enough information to make this legit horrible decision to try and save what function I can for tomorrow by making today awful. And to try and become ambidextrous, I guess, because god knows I’m not stopping making art simply because my body betrayed me. It’ll just be … not what I think of as my art, for a while, at least.

life update / thanks for your sweet messages everyone / hope you enjoy speech to text because typing with my left hand is no fun